Biblical Counseling: Providing Hope and Help for Hurting Families

By Dr. Josh Mulvihill

Ministry to families is more than training and resources; it must include the provision of hope and help to hurting families through care and counseling. God designed the family to be the source of our deepest loves, our most beloved relationships, and to provide care for the needs of its members. In a perfect world, we should associate the family with feelings of joy, the thought of home should bring to mind wonderful memories, and it should function as God designed it. Unfortunately, for a growing number of people, the family is a place of brokenness, pain, hurt, divorce, abuse, betrayal, and conflict. This is real family ministry, and we need to be prepared to provide hope in Christ and help from God’s Word.

Three Ways the Church Can Care for and Provide Counseling to Hurting Families:

1. Families Ministering to Families

Families need to be in community with other families in the church. There are many practical benefits when this happens, but a huge one is care and counseling. This will account for two-thirds of the needs that families have. Bedtime struggles, the basics of biblical discipline, and how to navigate media usage in the home are all topics parents can help one another with.

I’ve found that families ministering to families happens organically as they spend time together and get to know one another. Sunday morning discipleship classes, small groups, serving together, and church gatherings all provide opportunities for families to be in relationship with one another so that care can occur.

Families need a biblical vision for what relationships look like in a congregation, and one way this is accomplished is by teaching the “one another” passages in the Bible. The phrase “one another” occurs 100 times in the New Testament; of those, fifty-nine times are specific commands teaching how to, or how not to, relate to one another. Obedience to these commands forms the basis for Christian community and care for one another. Here are a few of the “one anothers” that should shape our care for each other:

• Love one another (John 13:34)

• Honor one another above yourselves (Rom. 12:10)

• Build up one another (Rom. 14:19)

• Care for one another (1 Cor. 12:25)

• Serve one another (Gal. 5:13)

• Bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2)

• Bear with one another (Eph. 4:2)

• Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other (Eph. 4:32)

• Look to the interests of one another (Phil. 2:4)

• Teach one another (Col. 3:16)

• Comfort one another (1 Thess. 4:18)

• Encourage one another (1 Thess. 5:11)

• Show hospitality to one another (1 Pet. 4:9)

• Pray for one another (James 5:16)

I don’t know about you, but I would love to be part of a church that strives to live out these relational principles! Care for others is often messy, is rarely convenient, and it requires sacrifice, but it’s such a joy to both give and receive. Let us avoid centralizing all care in a congregation through the pastor and staff, but rather equip the saints for the work of ministry to one another.

2. Community and Support Groups

Community group and support group leaders are the front line of pastoral care and should be pastored and equipped with great intentionality. Community groups often take the form of a Bible study or an adult Sunday morning class. The individuals who lead these groups have opportunities on a weekly basis to care for the needs of others. The leader should create the kind of group that is attentive to the needs of others, provides the margin so that care can occur, and leads by example in caring for others.

One of the most effective ways to navigate specific, recurring needs is to establish a support group around a topic. Our church offers support groups for parents who foster and adopt, for divorce care, and for teen mothers, as well as Grandparents@Prayer (covers a wide variety of topics). The Bible gives the church a special call to care for individuals when their family falls apart or when someone finds themselves without a biological family. The Bible states, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6 NIV). We are told to “visit orphans and widows in their affliction” (James 1:27). We have found support groups to be an effective way to do this as a church.

3. Pastoral Counseling

Biblical counseling addresses the problems we experience as we live in a sinful and broken world. Counseling is the problem-solving side of discipleship. Biblical counseling is a Word-based ministry, based on the Bible, just like preaching. Preaching is giving truth to a wide audience. Counseling is giving biblical truth to a specific audience. One of the reasons the counseling load in today’s churches is so heavy is because our preaching is so light. Biblical counseling is the private ministry of the Word of God applied to the specific needs of individuals.

The primary goal of counseling is maturity in Christ through repentance, trust, obedience to God, and reconciliation with others. The focus of biblical counseling is righteousness. Sometimes, a family member's sin creates consequences for themselves, and other times, it creates consequences for their family members. Healthy families are not the goal of biblical counseling. Healthy families are a by-product of a right relationship with Christ, obedience to God, and surrender to Him.

The Ministry of Counseling

Biblical counseling is an instructional ministry. It is informed by Romans 15:14, where Paul tells the Roman church that they are “filled with all knowledge and able to instruct one another.” Paul tells this local body of believers they are competent to counsel one another because they are Spirit-filled believers equipped with the sufficient Word of God. Paul implies that the Romans had no need to go outside the church for counseling instruction, especially from unbelievers.

Biblical counseling is also shaped by 1 Corinthians 2:4-6, where Paul states that the message he gave to the Corinthian church was not based on the wisdom of this age or of men, but rather the wisdom of God. When we apply this passage to counseling, it means the foundation of our instruction is to be based on the wisdom of God from the Bible, not the wisdom of man found in secular psychology.

The king of all counseling passages is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:14, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with all men.” Individuals have different counseling needs. Paul mentions four types of people that are helpful to consider.

Admonish the unruly. Unruly is a military term meaning to stray from one’s post. If you are unruly, you have broken rank and are out of line. What would this look like in Thessalonica? Some in the church thought Christ was coming back soon, so they decided not to help in the community. They broke from the expected pattern of community involvement and disengaged. Paul uses a strong word: admonish. This conveys sitting someone down face-to-face and saying, “Let’s get some things straight.” This is firm instruction. This is not dialogue, but authoritative input that one’s behavior is destructive and harms the community. Many of us shy away from admonishing someone who is wayward. It’s not easy to sit down with someone and say, “I care about you, but the way you’re living is out of step with what God expects from you.” If anyone has loved you enough to have this kind of conversation, you know it stings, but it also produces the fruit of righteousness.

Encourage the fainthearted. For whatever reason, this person is discouraged. They are losing hope. They are seeing the negative side of life. They may be ready to give up. Encouragement for this person means that we are sympathetic and caring. The fainthearted don’t need a pep talk. They don’t need to be scolded. They need someone to get close to them, to speak tenderly, and to provide comfort. Encouragement for this person means to infuse heart, strength, and a will to continue. In the Thessalonian church, there were some people who needed comfort over friends who had died (1 Thess. 4:13) and what would happen in the future (1 Thess. 5:1–11). This person needed to be refreshed and needed hope in Christ.

Help the weak. This means that we give aid. We provide assistance that helps someone to do something. The literal translation is “hold fast to the weak.” We won’t let them fall. This type of encouragement refers to those who will crumble under life’s pressure. This person has grown weary. Their resources in life do not allow them to make the next step. The idea is that with our help, they are able to move forward in life. This person needs someone to put their arm around them and say, “Together we can do this.” We can take the next step together. What did this look like for the Thessalonians? Paul was fearful that they would crumble under the pressure of temptation (1 Thess. 3:5). So, what does Paul do to encourage them? He sends Timothy (1 Thess. 3:2). When life gets rough, we all need a Timothy!

Be patient with everyone. This sums up the three modes of encouragement in one. It reminds us that we are all still growing and that no one is perfect. Thankfully, God is not finished with us yet. Paul’s encouragement is that we bear with others and put up with them for a long journey. We are in a relational marathon. It requires a commitment on our end to admonish people when they step out of line, comfort others when they are faint of heart, and support one another when we are weak. We need to hang in there with people, no matter where they’re at on the spectrum. Dealing with the unruly, the fainthearted, and the weak is not a quick fix. One conversation isn’t going to solve the issue. We are reminded to be patient in our counseling.

We have marriages, parents, and grandparents affected in each of these categories. Use them to diagnose what each person needs and the steps you will take to help them. Paul tells us the source of encouragement is our relationship with Christ, “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word” (2 Thess. 2:16-17 NIV). Ultimately, it is Jesus Christ and the Bible that provide the hope and help to care for hurting families.

Your plan to minister to families should include a care and counseling strategy. Who will provide the counseling? What kind of counseling will they provide? How do families communicate a need for help? How will you train individuals to provide counseling? Which families are currently struggling in your church or school? What are their problems? Answers to these types of questions will help you begin the planning process for a counseling strategy. There are parents and grandparents in your church or school who are struggling to disciple their children or grandchildren because of problems in their home. God has given you the wonderful opportunity to provide hope and help to hurting families through care and counseling.

The article is an excerpt from the book Family Ministry: How Your Church Can Shepherd Parents and Grandparents to Make Disciples by Josh Mulvihill and is available at renewanation.org.